Thankful for LOVE

I vowed to myself that this Thanksgiving I would enjoy myself....be at peace ....and not stress myself out with making the perfect Thanksgiving. I accomplished my plan and can look back and see how blessed I am. I made the feast but without all the trimmings..........still yummy for my tummy. We had "TOM" the turkey, the family traditional stuffing (long time family secret worth keeping) and the most melt in your mouth mashed potatoes. I kept it simple. With my life spinning out of control.......I just wanted a no brainier ....food....good food...........and plenty of it. I was happy to spend time with my family by their quick drop In's to say Hi....and see if I was okay. I think most people expected a depressed lonely women.....but they were not going to get it from me. I was enjoying myself. This was my Thanksgiving....and I wasn't going to cry ....WHY?......because I didn't want to ..........and really didn't need to. I feel like my life is on the track forward.........some times my steam gets let out....but I still push ahead. I was able to be thankful for my wonderful family......who do the little things that remind me daily how loved I am. Like my brother mowing my lawn....or watching my boys so I could be one of the nuts shopping on Friday. How about my mom.....who made sure I wasn't going to be alone or who always listens and doesn't judge...and knows how much my heart was broken. Or my Dad....who lives far away but visits and make sure that he has all bases covered if I need anything from firewood to car repairs or even carpets cleaned. Don't think they pay for all this....I pay my way....but they make sure they can help me with connecting me to the right people. I am blessed with them at my side....loving me for who I am and not who I am not. Then you have my friends........so many wonderful people that are rich in love but poor in money. Yet they have the best gift of all.........LOVE. I have been blessed with sharing time, laughter, good stories, and memories with so many people. I felt so surrounded by my friends love this Thanksgiving......Near and Far. I am so lucky to have quality loving friends......I am able to laugh with them....cry with them......offer advice.....listen to advice.....and know......no matter how much time or distance......or how long it has been since we have seen each other....our friendship is always there..........the reason, the season the lifetime.

I have been given LOVE..........the greatest gift GOD can give me...........and I am living it........I may not have a love of my life....but I have love.

Heart hurts and won't listen to my mind

So I am back and need blog therapy........I need some kind of therapy. My life has been stuck on FF in a washing machine tub..........all spinning out of control...but contained into one big area.....my life. My...what I thought .........soul mate.....had or continues to have one big bipolar episode. Oh, and it really has riped our family to shreds. Major child custody issues.....and my one big issue is "get on your meds and see your doctor". It hasn't happened..........so this past year has been hard.....I loved the guy.....and with as much spin cycle our life was on....I remained in the tub with him.....hoping to get through the spin cycle and let it all come to a stop and get our lives back. However, he decided being in the tub together wasn't for him.....and he took what he thought he was entitled to and left.......me holding the bag....the mortgage ....the bills...and the responsibility....and yet he still wants more..........spousal support and child support. .........and guess what the court gives it to him. Why.........because I was the working spouse....and he took care of the kids in the day time while I worked full time plus....and he worked in the PM.....part time......okay part of the part time. So even though I have the kids 70% at the beginning of this battle..........now 95% of the time........he gets $500 per month. My heart hurts that he could do this......my heart hurts that he is sick..........my heart hurts that 20% of people that have bipolar commit suicide if they do not follow the meds and doctors care to a "T".................my heart hurts that all through this I continue to care about his well being....my heart hurts because he has a girlfriend .........and we are still legally married..........my heart hurts that I can not seem to even be ready to date someone..........my heart hurts because I thought I was over him......my heart hurts that I feel like I was easily replaced......my heart hurts because I thought we were meant to be together........my heart hurts ............even though my mind tells me this is all typical bipolar characteristics......my mind knows it ...........but my heart won't listen. I see how destructive our relationship was together.....how he controlled it all......how he lowered my self esteem to nothing..........how he is self centered......and I feel like a fool....again.....heart won't listen to my head of reason...................or is this the reason, season, lifetime...........??????