Endure

Endure............is to keep going when you just don't feel like it
Endure.......having something last
Endure..........staying with it no matter what
Endure.........putting up with
Endure...cherishing it
Endure.........FOREVER

When you think of the word......it can bring mixed feelings.........you want your love to endure....but you really don't want to endure labor pains. So the word can bring good feelings but also negative feelings. What things do I want to endure....God,love, family friends, peace....I want to endure patients, giving heart....I want to endure all good things.

I don't want to endure...on going ex issues. I don't want to endure my cranky ass attitude. I don't want to endure this long financial mud pit that I seem not able to get out of. I don't want to endure feeling overwhelmed. I don't want to endure these negative feelings.

I know the little snap shots of life's in motion I wish would endure. I would love to endure my kid's being on their best behavior..........I would love to endure that high feeling I get when I am singing at church...I want to endure the giggles i get with friends when we just let the moment hit us ............I want to endure again someday the feeling of being in love. ......and I of course with love ...........I want to endure.........the big O.............okay I know that is asking way to much ....but hey we can always hope ........right? We just need to learn and know what is important to endure and what we need to let go....and not endure no more. So since I have totally confused you with ENDURE............I leave the word for you to ponder .........but remember let it go.......

My life is a Pizza

My life feels like a Pizza. So many slices...to create a full robust meal. However, I feel like my slices are just not fitting together right. If you go slice by slice it's good.....meaning I am nibbling at each one, but don't have the full slice put to rest. So a nibble here a nibble there....and just not feeling the complete picture. I look forward to next week.....but also dread it at the same time. I feel like it should give closure but also know that there is always a chance that it is just one more step to another long court battle. Can we just all get along? I've just gotten to the point I hate confutation. Really hate it and sometimes I need to stand up for myself. ......so I take a stand now and say.....enough blog for today....I need my sleep.

Faith......in my daily life and for my life

We all have heard old wise tales or bible scriptures and know what they mean....but when the real light comes on WOW....how it really hits home. So let me back track here for a moment. The beginning of my weekend started off on a sour note. Kids climbing walls and screaming in awful high pitch tones.....car breaks down on the side of the Highway.....then school function with LOUD out of control kids being kids. Then dealing with the ex....not a good way to start the weekend. Plus trying to tie up lose ends....meaning giving my notice after taking a leave of absence from work after 18 years, good pay and great benefits.....to take the final leap of my home business that is almost completely financially supporting itself and my family. It's scary and I wonder at times is this where God wants me to be. Then you have my marriage...or soon to be prior marriage. Big ugly custody battle that has really taken its toll on me....and still not sure how the results will be in the end. It's even harder when your ex is bipolar and believes that you are trying to take the kids away. I realize that when he is unstable I have to protect our kids from a man who doesn't realize that he is unstable. So I try very hard to have faith that God will tend to all my ordeals....my trials my tribulations. However out of common human nature I question it. God are you really there? I believe God will get me through it...but will he really? I have faith that God will make sure that we both get to be active parents involved in our children's lives...sometimes with conditions other times without. I have faith that some how I will get a reliable automobile even though I don't have the financial means to do so. I have faith that God will enable me to provide for my family financially. Okay here is the light come on wow thing........I have heard over and over again...the bible verse........"thou I walk through the valley of death.....I will fear evil"...........and I don't know if our Pastor put it in a new way from me to understand or if God bonked me on the head and woke me up to the words.......Here on earth is evil (our valley of death)...but if we trust in God and have faith that he has died for our sins....then we don't fear dying....because we know we will be going to heaven. So if we are trusting God with our life in heaven....then why can't we trust him with the simple things? The broken car....the home business......the ex.....and the ex's illness......If I can trust God with my life.....then I should not question my faith in his hand in my daily life. The light might be on for some.....but I can totally understand if isn't....look how long it took me to antiquate it to having faith in God..For me it reassures me in my religious belief that God has my life in his hands and I just need to trust that I just need to call on him....and not try to do it or understand it all on my own.

Cozy Creating bookmarkers

I think winter has struck......because I can feel it deep in my bones. If you have never felt the cold, deep in your bones, believe me when I say.....when you do, you will know it. Winter always brings a mix of emotions. The anticipation of warm crackling fires while sitting all cozy with a loved one snuggled under a big cozy blankee. The flannel PJ's and warm toasty socks, with a hot cup of joe. Oh now that is the life. Then at the same time you really dread the wet cold days that you never seem to warm up. The soggy clothes that you have to peel off. The wasted time to do your hair and makeup just to get ruined as soon as you head out the door. And the insane drivers on the road. For me the start of winter is the best. You get a day or so of rain (CA living) and then nice sunny day to make you appreciate the break of wet weather.

While I am enjoying my crackling fire all cozy warm in my flannel PJ's, I like to get creative and crank out some creative outlet.....or attempted again to get organized. I got in spurts on organization. So what is buzzing in my mind is Christmas keepsake project that my kids can make. I am thinking homemade magnetic bookmarks. Simple, easy and very personalized to the recipient. All I need is some cute background paper, some glue, a magnetic, a metal washer, and a few small pictures of the kids.......and to seal the deal......clear contact paper.

First step.......get your cute background paper and you want to cut a 1" strip the whole entire length of the paper. This will be the actual book maker and what you will embellish to personalize.

Second fold your strip in half. If paper pattern is one sided make sure the blank side is face to face. Then go wild. You can use stickers, glitter, draw or even cross stitch. What ever suits your fancy. Me I am going with the little cameo pictures of my kids. Oops almost forgot....you want to go wild on the pattern side which will be the side you will be the book mark side.

Once you have beat your chest of personalizing your marker you want to glue on the blank bottom side .....yes you guessed it......a metal washer on one side and a magnetic on the other side. After the glue is dried.........straighten your book mark strip straight out and cover the entire (front and back) with the clear contact paper. Trim off the excess contact paper. Fold your book marker in half on your original crease and Whoop there it is...your very own personalized book mark. I love these things. Great for cookbook markers, and magazines and your all time loved bed time story savers. Easy, priceless and simple......and the cost is so low to make so many as gifts. So get warm and toasty and creative.

Thankful for LOVE

I vowed to myself that this Thanksgiving I would enjoy myself....be at peace ....and not stress myself out with making the perfect Thanksgiving. I accomplished my plan and can look back and see how blessed I am. I made the feast but without all the trimmings..........still yummy for my tummy. We had "TOM" the turkey, the family traditional stuffing (long time family secret worth keeping) and the most melt in your mouth mashed potatoes. I kept it simple. With my life spinning out of control.......I just wanted a no brainier ....food....good food...........and plenty of it. I was happy to spend time with my family by their quick drop In's to say Hi....and see if I was okay. I think most people expected a depressed lonely women.....but they were not going to get it from me. I was enjoying myself. This was my Thanksgiving....and I wasn't going to cry ....WHY?......because I didn't want to ..........and really didn't need to. I feel like my life is on the track forward.........some times my steam gets let out....but I still push ahead. I was able to be thankful for my wonderful family......who do the little things that remind me daily how loved I am. Like my brother mowing my lawn....or watching my boys so I could be one of the nuts shopping on Friday. How about my mom.....who made sure I wasn't going to be alone or who always listens and doesn't judge...and knows how much my heart was broken. Or my Dad....who lives far away but visits and make sure that he has all bases covered if I need anything from firewood to car repairs or even carpets cleaned. Don't think they pay for all this....I pay my way....but they make sure they can help me with connecting me to the right people. I am blessed with them at my side....loving me for who I am and not who I am not. Then you have my friends........so many wonderful people that are rich in love but poor in money. Yet they have the best gift of all.........LOVE. I have been blessed with sharing time, laughter, good stories, and memories with so many people. I felt so surrounded by my friends love this Thanksgiving......Near and Far. I am so lucky to have quality loving friends......I am able to laugh with them....cry with them......offer advice.....listen to advice.....and know......no matter how much time or distance......or how long it has been since we have seen each other....our friendship is always there..........the reason, the season the lifetime.

I have been given LOVE..........the greatest gift GOD can give me...........and I am living it........I may not have a love of my life....but I have love.

Heart hurts and won't listen to my mind

So I am back and need blog therapy........I need some kind of therapy. My life has been stuck on FF in a washing machine tub..........all spinning out of control...but contained into one big area.....my life. My...what I thought .........soul mate.....had or continues to have one big bipolar episode. Oh, and it really has riped our family to shreds. Major child custody issues.....and my one big issue is "get on your meds and see your doctor". It hasn't happened..........so this past year has been hard.....I loved the guy.....and with as much spin cycle our life was on....I remained in the tub with him.....hoping to get through the spin cycle and let it all come to a stop and get our lives back. However, he decided being in the tub together wasn't for him.....and he took what he thought he was entitled to and left.......me holding the bag....the mortgage ....the bills...and the responsibility....and yet he still wants more..........spousal support and child support. .........and guess what the court gives it to him. Why.........because I was the working spouse....and he took care of the kids in the day time while I worked full time plus....and he worked in the PM.....part time......okay part of the part time. So even though I have the kids 70% at the beginning of this battle..........now 95% of the time........he gets $500 per month. My heart hurts that he could do this......my heart hurts that he is sick..........my heart hurts that 20% of people that have bipolar commit suicide if they do not follow the meds and doctors care to a "T".................my heart hurts that all through this I continue to care about his well being....my heart hurts because he has a girlfriend .........and we are still legally married..........my heart hurts that I can not seem to even be ready to date someone..........my heart hurts because I thought I was over him......my heart hurts that I feel like I was easily replaced......my heart hurts because I thought we were meant to be together........my heart hurts ............even though my mind tells me this is all typical bipolar characteristics......my mind knows it ...........but my heart won't listen. I see how destructive our relationship was together.....how he controlled it all......how he lowered my self esteem to nothing..........how he is self centered......and I feel like a fool....again.....heart won't listen to my head of reason...................or is this the reason, season, lifetime...........??????

I've learned from the Great

I was a wife........and now I am not........but always a mother. I guess I find myself feeling lucky that I have four kids........and each one so different from each other........and yet so bonded to me and each other. I am lucky that I have great role models......my mom was always there for us.....and the queen of her castle. Not exactly a castle........but did try her best to make it look good and always........always kept it clean. She could have made Mrs. Brady look like she needed help..........actually she did........she had Alice..........my mom........well she did it all. She raised two kids........while my dad worked. She did all the cooking, cleaning, car pooling, parent volunteering. She made sure we were involved in church, sports and school activities, and was team mother along with it plus, made Dad do his parenting part too. We had campfire, cub scouts, choir, band, Royal Rangers & Missionettes, along with church youth groups and our house always had friends hang out their. Mom made sure we had chores to teach us responsibility........we just thought she loved to torture us. She made sure we felt love and safe......and even now when I am under the weather........I call her and say.........."I want my mommy".......we giggle and she asks if I need anything. You see my mom still remains my hero of mom's. She has moved on up.........not only is she a wonderful mom.......she is a wonderful Grandma. When I am tied up with one child she jumps right in and takes up the slack with the other.........let it be practices, or Easter egg hunting or just making a day special for the kids....."Nanna" is there.....and always will be.......you see......she is who I aspire to be. She created many good child hood memories........and I treasure them and try to keep the tradition....Corn beef and cabbage......not what I like.....but it's the family tradition on St. Pa tricks day.........and who wouldn't have a cook out on Fourth of July? Don't forget......good old fashion tent camping.......and smore's on the fire pit. I know that singing at the top of your lungs off key is a family keeper...only we try hard to sing with the best we just don't have that quality in our blood line. We all are dancers........and outdoor gardening seems to be loved in each generation........and the best thing my mother has given us the respect and love for our elders........and the lives they have lived. She is a keeper and am so happy that she is proud of me as a women but very proud of me as a mother......that is a compliment coming from the best of them. I can not give enough thanks for giving me life, love and bringing me into this world............I honor my mother..........and all the mothers because the role they play in our lives. I was loved.......and I am able to show love.......freely........and greatly. Thank you mom.

What makes the downs better

These past few weeks have been so stressful and I feel like I am being hit in every direction. I keep waiting for the calm before the storm but tend to always be in the storm. When my work life calms down then my ex becomes difficult........and if those two area's are good to go then the financial blizzard hits. I am still suffering over the shock of a automatic trunk lock costing over $300.......what are these things made of GOLD? The only thing that seems to calm me down and bring things back into prospective in the cute smiling faces that light up my world. At times I want to change my name.......Mom...Mom...Mom..........but do you know how up lifting it is to be cooking dinner and having my little ones laughing and yelling you can't catch me to each other. It just brings back what all is important.........family. Then with their bright smiles and sparkle in their eyes.......I think.........I am doing something right.

Taking time to rest

Do you ever wake up and know there is so much to do and get overwhelmed and want to just climb back into bed........fluff the pillows, pull the blankets up to your chin and go right back to sleep...........That was my day yesterday. I woke up still sleepy and unrested.........but I dragged myself out of bed.......showered, threw on some clothes and lipstick.......and headed to church. The service was great.....and I felt like it was for my ears only. I left church fully drained....emotionally and physically. It was foggy and cold........with a heavy mist in the air.......and a chill in my bones.

I went home.......cold......and tired.........changed into my nice fluffy warm PJ's and jumped back into bed. Oh I could fight the urge........and get my to do list done.......but I needed the comfort of my bed....my home......and just doing nothing. It felt great.......I was warm.......I was comfy.......and i was home.

It's like a empty path ...........and yet all around you......your surrounded by life and the activity of nature but you don't want to join.......you want the freedom to do nothing.......but knowing that if you wanted......life is around you when you want to join in. Some times we need that solitude......we need the time to re-energized........we need to be one with ourselves. Once we have had our time..........we jump back into the forest and we are off and running to our goals again........each goal is different for the time and place we are in our lives.......but each goal is important to who we become and how we got their. My goal is learning to take time for me.............it sounds simple......but for me........it's a work in progress.

Getting my mojo back

This morning I took a walk on the beach.....living at the coast......you tend to take that for granted. It was such a beautiful warm sunny morning. The wind wasn't blowing, the ocean was glassy and breaking just so perfect and the sound of the crashing waves at the shore was the added bonus. I had my warm coffee in hand.......and the spirit to conquere the world.

For me looking out at the ocean as far as an eye can see.....is relaxing, refreshing and makes me feel one with God and the universe. It is cleansing at times......I've gone there to laugh and have fun, to cry and heal my pain, to think and contemplate which direction my life needs to go, and each time it was a much needed journey.

My spirit has been dim and now I am feeling energized and ready to live life for God, me, my kids and my family. My spirit is back and I am going to let it shine. Or as my good friend "J" would say.......I got my mojo back.

Valentine's is not just for lovers........

When we grow up we look at Valentine's Day as a day to appreciate our lover.......but what happened to the silly little cards that you wrote your name on the back and handed out to everyone? We use to handed them out to the ones who we liked......who we kicked dirt at and even pushed on the playground.........we still wanted to show them they were thought of.

Then we grew up........and we forget at times to let the ones we see everyday ......that we look forward to their presence....no matter what it may be........Maybe the office grouch....even Sesame Street has one..........the office.....little Miss Ray of Sunshine....(I've been guilty of that one)............or even the office hermit.........we relied on them to be who they are.....we may not like it at times......but just having the familiarity is comforting and much taken for granted everyday. So today ........the day of love and kindnes.........let the ones you see everyday know what role they play in your life...........it may be small but it has hundreds of hours invested in being who they are and how they interact with you............and if they were gone tomorrow they would be missed..........even the grouch........

A New Year....a New beginning

This year has started off with a new chapter in my life......my life is being reorangized in more ways then one. My family, my house, my work and my spirit. It's not easy by any means to wake up and see that you have to change.....let it be a new hair cut, letting go of a bad frienship and starting a new uncertain one, letting your kids have a little more freedom and make their own mistakes in life or changing the way a room feels in your home. Most of the time I am dragging my feet and procrastinating but once the deed is done.......glad I was there and went through the change. I look at the good and try to figure out the bad......why? I don't know. I guess if I figure it out I won't make the same mistake twice. Yeah right! I am so lucky to have my children......and see the simple beauty in everyday and everything. Truly seeing through the eyes of a child.....or in my case.....children.......yes I am blessed more then once.....

So hats off to new beginnings.....and the gift of be blessed with simple things in life.