Heart hurts and won't listen to my mind

So I am back and need blog therapy........I need some kind of therapy. My life has been stuck on FF in a washing machine tub..........all spinning out of control...but contained into one big area.....my life. My...what I thought .........soul mate.....had or continues to have one big bipolar episode. Oh, and it really has riped our family to shreds. Major child custody issues.....and my one big issue is "get on your meds and see your doctor". It hasn't happened..........so this past year has been hard.....I loved the guy.....and with as much spin cycle our life was on....I remained in the tub with him.....hoping to get through the spin cycle and let it all come to a stop and get our lives back. However, he decided being in the tub together wasn't for him.....and he took what he thought he was entitled to and left.......me holding the bag....the mortgage ....the bills...and the responsibility....and yet he still wants more..........spousal support and child support. .........and guess what the court gives it to him. Why.........because I was the working spouse....and he took care of the kids in the day time while I worked full time plus....and he worked in the PM.....part time......okay part of the part time. So even though I have the kids 70% at the beginning of this battle..........now 95% of the time........he gets $500 per month. My heart hurts that he could do this......my heart hurts that he is sick..........my heart hurts that 20% of people that have bipolar commit suicide if they do not follow the meds and doctors care to a "T".................my heart hurts that all through this I continue to care about his well being....my heart hurts because he has a girlfriend .........and we are still legally married..........my heart hurts that I can not seem to even be ready to date someone..........my heart hurts because I thought I was over him......my heart hurts that I feel like I was easily replaced......my heart hurts because I thought we were meant to be together........my heart hurts ............even though my mind tells me this is all typical bipolar characteristics......my mind knows it ...........but my heart won't listen. I see how destructive our relationship was together.....how he controlled it all......how he lowered my self esteem to nothing..........how he is self centered......and I feel like a fool....again.....heart won't listen to my head of reason...................or is this the reason, season, lifetime...........??????